“If you kids don’t knock it off I’m calling Santa” is the calling card of many patents at this time of year. 

Are you even a parent if you haven’t said at least one of these things:

“If you don’t settle down, we are turning this car around”

“if you don't eat your dinner there will be no dessert” or

“Santa is just a phone call away”

My hubby used the Santa one this week. One of my boys was mucking up and he said “if you don’t settle down Santa won’t get as many gifts.” Most parents dabble in these thinly veiled threats, especially at Christmas when everyone is heightened.

We use these things to get our kids to cooperate.

To get kids into or out of the bath, or just some days to survive. Sometimes they do work in the moment.

But there is a significant catch, they simply don’t work to teach our kids HOW to do things differently and as a result we wind up on a treadmill of threats...

My eldest was a biter…. Among other things.

He was also a hitter, a pusher, and a snatcher.

I once got a call from his small preschool that he’d pushed 15 small children over.

My son was two. His lovely teacher Emily had announced to the class there was a ‘real rabbit’ for them all to look at to celebrate Easter at the front of the room. My son was so excited he tore his way to the front of the class, pushing past everyone and 15 children were left crying in his wake. The teacher said, ‘she’d never seen anything like it’.

Unfortunately this wasn't a stand alone incident. My son tended to struggle to share in the sandpit at preschool, and also at home playing with his cousin. Hitting, pushing and biting were happening more often than I felt i'd been warned about in the baby books. 

It never feels good when your child is hurt by another child, but it feels just as awful when you are the parent of the child who has hurt someone. I...

The photo below was taken of my kids 8 years ago.  

A moment that will be etched in my brain forever because of both the beautiful magic of it....and the horrible chaotic-ness of it all in one.

It’s etched in my brain because I was finally out of the trenches of having my fourth baby. He’s pictured here at bottom of shot finally at that beautiful age where he could start to join in, and life was getting a bit less hectic.

But this moment was really special for me because it was the first time all four of my boys were playing nicely together.

IT WAS PURE MAGIC.

They’d been playing with their LEGO DUPLO for about 45 mins in absolute harmony. Anyone who is a parent knows these are the moments we almost don’t want to breathe because they seem too good to be true. My boys were building a tall tower together…… TOGETHER!

There was teamwork, creativity, innovation, special skills, negotiation skills all happening at once. These moments in...

I wish I was the natural and instinctive mum I pictured I would before I was a mum.

I have had to work hard to filter the information overload, and dial down fear based parenting to find my groove. As a girl I always wanted to be a mum more than anything else. I had very strong visions of the mum I’d be: kind and loving, fresh cookies on the table after school every day. Instinctively fun, loving, and gentle.

I thought instinct was looking at your baby and knowing that a certain cry meant food and another meant cuddles. How hard could it be?

We tell new parents to ‘trust their instinct’ I find when I teach my classes at hospital parents look at me with confusion about what that is. When there is so much pressure and so much noise around how to get this job done right it can feel absolutely daunting that we should have ‘instincts’ about what our baby needs.

I think as our kids grow, finding the instinct about what they need can get harder....

There are few things in the world that hurt more than hearing your child say, “I hate you.” 

Our child's words can cut deep.

We would literally sacrifice everything for our kids and they are yelling that they hate us?

Here is the good news. When kids yell harsh words this is actually a good thing. But before we get there, we need to look inwards about how these moments impact us as parents.

When your child screams:

“I hate you, you are the worst parent ever”  

“I wish you were dead”

“You’ve ruined my life”

“You’re a poo poo head”

These words leave us feeling hurt.

Then we worry… “would I have dared speak to my parents that way?”

Which can lead to more anxiety about whether we are actually failing at raising a good kid, a kid who respects their elders.

This is a spiral that can have us responding in ways that don’t help like yelling, over reacting or using...

Most parents really struggle with the idea of their kids struggling socially because we all relate to that feeling of being left out.

When your child comes home and says they are sad about the fact that no-one played with them today. As parents this can be one of the most triggering things to hear, bringing up feelings of being left out we can quickly and easily go to wanting to fix or solve it pronto.

Common responses might sound like:

1. “Tell me their names! I am calling your teacher immediately and we are going to tell all of their parents”; or
2. “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice, if you don’t share and work to get along these kids will leave you out!”
3. “You’re fine, just play with someone else when that happens.”
4. “Just tell them “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”

We kind of know neither of these reactions are what our kids need, but sometimes they just pop out.

...

What if I told you that one of the best ways to have your child feeling seen, safe and loved AND to re-set a day with your child lies in one-on-one play?

What if I added that this doesn’t need it add to your mental load, it doesn’t need to take all day and actually that 10 minutes is enough to fill your child emotional cup, help them regulate emotions and learn about their world?

One of the things that defines human development is the slow rate of emotional maturity in our kids. Our children will be 25-28 years of age before our children are fully emotionally developed. This can feel a long way off when you are at home with a toddler or pre-schooler who is having a lot of big feelings.

One of the challenges for the modern parent is there are periods of time when our kids seem to be seeking us out more than others. Especially though early childhood when toddlers and pre-schoolers seem to be ‘acting out’ struggling with transitions (hello bath time struggles??)...

When little kids have big feelings, it can be extra confusing because it often appears to be about something that makes ‘no sense’….

Like snatching whatever the baby touches then completely falling apart when corrected....

Or having a complete public meltdown because they didn’t get to push button in a lift.

When I was around 10 days postpartum with my fourth child my two year old asked me for a banana. As I was peeling the banana I did what you should never, ever do to a toddler.

I accidentally BROKE IT IN HALF.

Anyone who has known a two year old knows this is an absolute no no when it comes to toddlers.

My son was devastated….

He was screaming over and over: “Banana broken”.

I didn't have anymore bananas so I initially tried to console him with logic…. “it tastes just the same”

Then facts… “Look in the bowl - I have apples, but I don’t have any more bananas”

 I tried to fix it:...

This weekend following the absolutely horrific events at Bondi Westfield many parents may want help with whether to tell their kids about what happens and if so, what is the best way to do that.

When events happen both in Australia, and globally it is understandable when parents feel confused about how much we should protect our kids from these events.  

One very strong instinct is to completely shield them from it. When it comes to the news and social media, we are right to limit what our kids see right now simply because their brains are not able to process these images in the way we can as adults.

Just like the quick thinking and courageous dad who protected his children by physically shielded his children’s eyes with eye masks. This is a reminder to all of us that our kids who may see images on the news, or though social media that they won’t be able to ‘un-see’ and we should absolutely strive to protect our kids from these potentially distressing...

We all know that little kids have BIG feelings.......but what about us?

Sometimes we lose it too.

Sometimes BIG people have BIG feelings. 

Despite our very best intentions.

I’ve yet to meet a parent that doesn’t loose it sometimes.

It might be in the kitchen at 5 pm trying to cook dinner....

With two small humans that WONT GET OFF YOUR LEGS.

Who are not responding to redirection no matter what you try. 

A hot frying pan cooking dinner that could hurt someone, one of the kids cries, another child asks to be picked up which isn’t safe while cooking and BOOM you lose it.

You snap, or freeze, or yell…..

And then you feel terrible.....

The good news is our kids do not need perfect parents who don’t make mistakes. In fact, evidence shows they begin to learn from their mistakes by watching us learn from ours.

It’s totally ok that you lose it. You are human.

There isn't a parent on earth that doesn't muck up. 

Kids don't need...