Raising Boys with Big Hearts: 5 Myths We Need to Bust
With all the focus on boys following the Netflix series Adolescence, I wanted to take my time before writing about what I think our boys really need—because I wanted to really consider my response.
I’m a social worker, parent educator and a mum of four sons aged 8, 10, 13 and 15, so it’s fair to say I’ve got a bit of skin in the game—and raising good men is something I’m deeply passionate about.
One of the perhaps unintended consequences of the series and its subsequent discussion has been a lot of fear when it comes to raising boys. Almost like all parents feels if they turn their backs for a second their little boy could be capable of violent crime.
When we look at our boys from a place of fear, we misunderstand them, and often we approach them with harshness disguised as discipline.
The problem with this is our boys are not harsh, our boys are soft. They’re loving. When we don’t understand, we can’t connect.
Boys are wired for connection just as much as girls—but they are often misunderstood. And these 5 outdated myths are holding us back from truly showing up for them.
Myth 1: Boys Lack Empathy
There’s a stubborn belief that boys are unfeeling, less emotional, or lacking empathy.
It’s just not true, and any mum with a son will tell you: her boy is the ‘softie’, ‘he’s a Mumma’s boy’, or ‘he’s most cuddly one in the family’. We are often really surprised to find out that boys are soft and emotional. This is the first myth.
Boys are huge-hearted, deep-feeling and big-loving humans. One of the best ways to understand them? Look at the way they play.
Take superheroes, for example. Many boys are obsessed with them—and not because they love violence, but because they love the idea of the good guy saving the day. Boys love fairness, justice, and making things right.
Heroes help them with big feelings too. Sometimes, that superhero figurine in a backpack is a little boy’s way of coping with a big day at kindy. It’s not about aggression and it’s not meaningless—it’s about bravery and safety as he separates from his parents because he feels all his emotions just as much as girls do.
Image credit: Tess Donohue
In fact Research out of Harvard Medical School has shown that boys are actually more emotionally expressive than girls in early infancy and toddlerhood. The issue isn’t capacity—it’s that over time, society conditions them out of showing it.
From the minute we announce the gender of a baby, we respond differently—often without even realising it. A baby boy might be tossed in the air while a baby girl is spoken to more softly. We call boys ‘little man’ and girls ‘princess,’ setting the tone from the very beginning for how they’re expected to move through the world. These early interactions start shaping our children from their very first breath, and research backs this up.
The Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development supports this, noting that these early patterns of socialisation influence children’s understanding of gender roles and emotional norms from infancy. What this means for boys is that they don’t get as much encouragement or support to show emotion or feel deeply—despite being just as sensitive and wired for connection.
We also know from neuroscience that male and female brains are wired differently. Boys typically have more connections from the front to the back of the brain—supporting movement and action—while girls have more cross-hemisphere connections, supporting language and emotional processing. So boys might “show” their feelings before they’re able to “say” them.
Reality: Boys are deeply empathetic. They often express their emotions physically and need support to articulate them in safe, connected ways.
Try this: Start naming emotions early and often. Encourage and normalise talking about and expressing feelings. Help your son understand that even superheroes have big feelings. Saying things like, “You look really worried about that,” or “You’re feeling angry,” builds emotional literacy over time.
Myth 2: They Have Nothing to Say
You pick your son up from school, ask how his day was, and get a grunt in return. It’s easy to assume he doesn’t want to share his inner world. But the truth is—he does. He just might need a different way in.
Boys are just as wired for connection as girls, but they often prefer side-by-side communication over direct eye contact. I don’t think it’s because they’re less emotionally in tune—I think it’s the opposite. They feel so deeply that face-to-face can feel too intense. They really want to get the words right but they need time to process.
Maggie Dent puts it beautifully in From Boys to Men:
“Many boys can find eye contact threatening. Demanding it may trigger their amygdala and prevent them from listening. Don’t insist on or expect direct eye contact.”
Dr. Niobe Way from NYU has spent decades interviewing adolescent boys. Her findings? Boys crave deep emotional connection and friendship—but as they get older, societal expectations around masculinity pressure them to shut those feelings down.
Reality: Boys have plenty to say—but they need time, space, and a safe setup to let it out.
One dad in one of my parenting groups told me about how much his son loved watching the garbage truck each week. So, they made a ritual of it. Deck chairs, babycino and coffee, side-by-side. And his son talked. About everything. That garbage truck time became their weekly download.
Try this: Create space for connection through rituals: in our house we play “High, Low, Buffalo” at dinner—everyone shares a high, a low, and something they want us to know. We’ve had tears, laughter, and moments of deep sharing, all through this little ritual.
Myth 3: Boys Are Rough (and That’s a Problem)
One of the myths that worries parents the most is the idea that boys are innately more violent or aggressive.
Yes, boys are often more physical. A 2022 study from the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute found that boys are more active from infancy and benefit significantly from movement-based play. Rough-and-tumble play can look chaotic—but it’s developmentally normal and essential for building regulation, social skills, and empathy.
The National Institute for Play confirms that physical play is vital for emotional development and stress release. That wrestling on the couch, the constant bouncing of balls that does my head in, or the ninja run through the house? It’s more than mayhem—it’s emotional processing in motion.
And here's something we often miss: when boys engage in rough-and-tumble play with children and adults of varying ages—like older siblings, younger cousins, or even a wrestling match with Dad—they’re learning how to modulate their strength, read social cues, and adjust their behaviour in real time. Research shows this kind of multi-age, multi-generational play actually teaches boys gentleness. They learn where the limits are, how to take turns, and how to stop when someone says "enough."
According to Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, boys use this type of play to test boundaries—not just physically, but emotionally. Play fighting helps them distinguish between real aggression and healthy assertiveness. It's cooperation disguised as chaos.
Reality: Boys aren’t rough because they’re “bad”—they're wired for movement. That physicality is how they learn, express, connect and release energy.
Try this: Offer safe, structured ways for boys to move, wrestle and take risks. Think: outdoor time, jumping, rolling, climbing, rumbling. Movement is not the enemy—it’s the language their bodies speak.
When they get too physical, we need to help boys to know the emotion is okay, the behaviour is not:
“I can see you really want the truck that Zara has. I won’t let you take it… I am here and I know it’s hard to share.”
Or: “You can be mad at me, you may not hit me. I am holding your hands to keep me safe… I know this is hard and I love you.”
Myth 4: Boys Are Naughty and Don’t Listen
Let’s get real: we send many boys to school at age five, even though research tells us their brains and bodies might not be ready to sit still for long periods until age seven.
So what do we see? Fidgeting. Disruption. Not listening. “Bad” behaviour.
According to Maggie Dent, Boys are more often in trouble in school. Their names written in red on the whiteboard when they 'misbehave'. This is shaming them. Shame causes deep inner scars. Boys need compassion, understanding and guidance.
But what if we’re misunderstanding what their bodies are trying to tell us?
According to Steve Biddulph, author of Raising Boys, boys’ fine motor and cognitive development tends to trail girls by about a year. He even suggests boys might benefit from starting school a year later to better match their developmental readiness.
The University of Cambridge supports this, with studies showing that boys who start school later experience better behavioural and academic outcomes—particularly in emotional regulation.
When boys are struggling at school, they need help to understand what their bodies need. And yet what often happens is punishment. Recess is taken away or a boy is sat in the “thinking space.” These things increase the likelihood of more struggle and shame.
Reality: Boys aren’t naughty—they’re just not always developmentally ready for what we ask of them. Their bodies need to move, and they desperately want to get it “right.”
Try this: Honour their need for movement and coach them through it. “You’re wriggling, which tells me your body needs to move. Let’s do a few laps around the garden, then come back to this.”
And please—don’t take away recess. It’s the very thing helping them regulate.
Myth 5: Boys Are Less Loving Than Girls
This one gets me. Because I’ve seen the depth of love my boys have—and it’s breathtaking.
When I announced the safe arrival of my third son, I received condolence-style messages: “You poor thing, who will look after you when you’re old?” As if boys aren’t capable of that kind of care.
But I’ve seen how my boys love. The tears they’ve cried over missing a friend who has moved away. My youngest son spending hours searching online for a toy version of his best mate’s black Labrador after it passed away suddenly, and buying it with his pocket money. The way they melt with our Groodle, Poppy (who is a bit of a guts). The vigils they’ve kept when she was sick from eating 12 rising naan bread doughs off our bench—or two tubs of butter, or a whole giant Toblerone in one sitting—refusing to leave her side. That love is real. It’s open. It’s big.
And it’s not just my house. Tom “Teacher Tom” Hobson notes that when boys wrestle, they’re often deeply tuned in to each other’s emotions. It’s not aggression—it’s connection. In his words:
“Half the time, they’re looking into each other’s eyes as they’re wrestling, and it’s a beautiful thing to see.”
We underestimate the way boys love and how deep it is because we miss the way they show it. They might not always use words, so we need to look for their love and take it seriously. A boy’s look to his mum after building a new LEGO creation, or the way he might check in after every goal in sport with a big grin that says “Did ya see that, Mum?”—it’s all about love, if you know what you’re seeing.
Reality: Boys are deeply loving. They just need help to learn safe, pro-social ways to express it.
Try this: Take their love seriously. Encourage affection with friends, with pets, with family. Let them cry when they miss someone. Let them hold the dog’s paw. Let them be soft.
Conclusion
Sometimes I look at my boys on a hard day—tears in their eyes, frustration bubbling over—and I see it. The same fear we all have, even as adults:
“Am I enough?”
These little, big-hearted boys are human. And just like all humans, they need the same things we all need: to know they are loved and worthy of love, that they are safe, and that they are seen and heard.
We’re not just raising boys. We’re raising the next generation of men. And the world needs them to be emotionally intelligent, kind, and resilient. That starts with us.
I know as I continue to do the best I can to raise my four boys that whenever I approach with fear, I’m off track. Whenever I look beyond the myths, whenever I approach with compassion and connection—it just works better.
Let’s ditch the myths. Let’s meet our boys with compassion, curiosity, and connection.
Because when we raise boys with big hearts—we all win.
Image credit: Tess Donohue
Connected Parenting founder Gen Muir is a parent educator, author, obstetric social worker and mother of four boys. She is passionate about helping families to connect and thrive amid the many challenges of modern parenting.
Gen has appeared on Sunrise, The Today Show, The Morning Show, The Project, 2Day FM and ABC.
Her recent book, Big People, Little Feelings (2024), and her co-hosted podcast, Beyond the Chaos, provide valuable resources for those working with or raising children.
