When your kid is a ‘joy to have in class’ and tornado of big feelings at home - After school restraint collapse

When one of my boys was in Kindy I would  check in with his teacher to see how he was going and hear nothing but positive reviews.

 Apparently, he was a “joy” to have in class. His teacher wished more kids were as attentive and quiet......

I wondered if she had the kids mixed up because his behaviour and emotions at home was off the charts difficult. He was picking on siblings, struggling at afterschool playdates with neighbours and falling apart over dinner he would normally have loved.

What was happening with my son is called after-school restraint collapse and it’s common at the beginning of the new school year as kids are all adjusting to new things.

What’s really happening here is our child working so hard to keep it together away from their parents all day long. At childcare or school, they need to share, take turns, listen and follow directions. They are also away from us; their safe base and it can take time to settle.

This collapse is happening more these days

The after-school meltdown is something we are seeing more of in modern parenting for a few reasons. The first is we are busier. Our kids are being expected to do more at school academically than we had to at there age. We have them in more extracurricular, not to mention team sports all starting younger and younger.

In addition, we are, for the most part parenting differently to previous generations. We are welcoming emotions and letting kids know these things are better out than in. This leads to a situation where our kids DO in fact let it out. This is really good, but it can be really confronting in the moment.

Finally, we are much more aware of neurodivergence, sensory struggles, anxiety or the added burden of any disability or learning challenge. These things will always increase the likelihood of big emotions and tricky behaviour as school is extra draining for these kids.

This is something I hear from parents often in my work as a parent educator, especially at the beginning of a new school year when kids are processing lots of change.

So why the Jekyll and Hyde?

For young children navigating a day away from parents as well as all that childcare of school entails socially can be absolutely exhausting, and it is when they see their parents or primary caregivers that they can no longer hold it together and we often see kids ‘fall apart’.

As hard as this is for them (and us) it is a huge compliment that they feel safe and secure enough to be their true selves with us.

Most kids struggle with after-school restraint collapse at some point, but these emotions will always feel amplified in times of change. Starting a new childcare, starting school, or even starting year 7 can increase the emotional pressure for kids.  

Can we prevent the after-school meltdown?

Sadly no. And we don’t want to.

When our kids are able to let it all out with us they are doing what they need to do to release their feelings. The biggest thing we can do to help them is accept them, big emotions, and all.

However, if this is happening all too often and you’d like to help your child with the intensity of these moments the following tips will help:

1. Centre yourself before you pick your child up

Try taking a breath before you greet your kids. Be ready for whatever is coming even if it’s not an excited face. With my own kids I try to pause, take a deep breath and be ready to greet my kids where they are at. As excited as I am if my kid looks dishevelled and shattered, I would simply say “looks like it’s been a long day, let’s get you home.”

2. FOOD is essential

Have snacks ready in the car, pram or in your bag. Kids get ‘hangry’ and food can prevent many of the after-school moments of collapse. A tip I leaned from my mentor and friend Maggie Dent and one I’ll be forever grateful for. P.s applies just as much or more to teenagers!

3. Limit the third degree

Here we are DESPERATE to know how their day has been and it’s like drawing blood from a stone. Peppering our kids with questions never works, but worse than that, it can really add to dysregulation. Kids need time to decompress and feel connected before they share about their day. It’s better to just notice where they are at… “gosh you look tired, looks like it was a big day” followed by silence is exactly what kids need while they eat their snack.

4. Be okay with their feelings

Often your child has held onto feelings all day long and it took loads of effort. When they see us, their safe base, it all just falls apart. Stay out of fixing or solving if you can and just listen. Sometimes your child will say “It’s been the most awful day and no one would play with me” while we want to help our child and work on solutions right away, what our kids often need is for us to just say “ahh that sounds tough. Sounds like you were a bit lonely?” Once kids feel really heard and understood they are much more likely to want to chat about how to tackle the problem.

 5. Do LESS

If your child is struggling a lot with big feelings after childcare of school, try winding back any after-school schedules so things are less rushed. The modern world is so much busier than it was in our childhoods. Our kids do more activities and if they are frequently melting down after school this may be a sign they may need some downtime while they adjust and settle.

6. Catch your child on their emotional climb

Unfortunately, kids don’t come to us and say “hey I’ve had a tough day, Jimmy wouldn’t let me play tip and I really need some connection.” But gosh life would be easier if they would!

Instead, what they do is they show us though their behaviour they are not ok. Usually through unfavourable behaviour.

Look for your child’s signs of growing dysregulation. Often our bodies know our child isn’t ok before our brains do. If you find yourself feeling annoyed by your child’s behaviour, anxious that they are going to have a meltdown or you have that feeling of “walking on eggshells” chances are the meltdown is on route. While it’s tempting to avoid it the best thing you can do is allow your child to let it out.

Maybe they are picking on. sibling, whinging and whining, not listening and being really ‘silly’ or overexcited, or asking for something unreasonable like ‘ice-cream for dinner’. These are all signs your child is on a fast track to a meltdown and it can be good to stop and accept where they are at sooner rather than later.

This can be our cue to step in and say “hey I can see you are not ok…. It’s been a huge day.” Or “I can see the ‘silly’s’ are really building in here, let’s all get outside to the trampoline for 10 minutes and see if we can jump it out a bit”. This can really help to settle emotions and nervous system.

Usually, we will also need to hold a boundary, and let our child know we can see they are struggling’ We want to give our kids the chance to get that feeling out completely and fully (not quickly) as this big discharge of emotions is often needed for them to shake off the day.

This may mean surrendering to the emotions, being as close to your child as you can without making things worse and letting them know you are there, you see them, and you know that they are feeling awful.

7. Work in partnership with your child’s teachers

If your child is struggling with a big adjustment you don’t need to do it all on your own. It’s a good idea to let the school know and let them support your child while you can’t be there. Many childcare centres and schools will have ideas to support your child with the day so that it’s less overwhelming at pick up. Your child’s teacher is also in a great position to let you know if your child needs additional support to help such as Occupational Therapy to help with core strength, sensory or social skills. 

And the good news?

It’s a huge complement.

Yep, you heard me. If your child is an angel all day and a tornado of emotions at home, you are doing something very right.

 As hard as these moments of afterschool restraint collapse are, they are one of the ways a child can discharge emotion from the body to go back and navigate school the next day. Your child is saying, be with me while I feel this messy stuff because you are my safe person.