Why Sibling Fights Are Actually a Good Thing (Yep, Really!)

Constant bickering, snatching toys, accusations of "that's not fair!" It’s exhausting and makes us worry our kids will never get along.

Parents everywhere always want to know "How do I make them stop fighting?" But what if we flipped the script? What if, instead of seeing sibling fights as a problem to eliminate, we viewed them as a crucial opportunity to build lifelong skills?

The Secret Benefit of Sibling Fighting

Children learn conflict resolution by having conflict. It’s that simple. Sibling fights (and for kids who don’t have siblings fights with cousins, neighbours, and friends) provide a safe training ground for navigating disagreements, handling strong emotions, and understanding different perspectives. Without these early experiences, kids may struggle to handle conflict in friendships, school, and eventually, the workplace or their own families.

Instead of aiming for a fight-free home (which, let’s be honest, is unrealistic), our goal should be helping kids fight better. When guided with support, sibling conflicts can teach skills like:

• Emotional regulation – Learning to pause before reacting.
• Perspective-taking – Understanding how their actions impact others.
• Problem-solving – Finding compromises that work for both sides.
• Communication – Expressing frustration without aggression.

How to Coach Your Kids Through Conflict

1. Resist the Urge to Instantly Solve It

It’s tempting to jump in and declare a winner or separate them immediately. But when we act as referees, kids miss the chance to develop problem-solving skills. Instead, try coaching them through the process:

• "I hear both of you are really upset. What happened?"
• "How can we solve this in a way that works for both of you?"

It’s vital that as the parent you remain as neutral as possible, even when one child is in the wrong. This helps for both kids to feel seen and heard and therefore hear you when you teach them better ways to manage conflict.

2. Model Healthy Conflict Resolution

One of the best ways to help kids learn about how to get along with other is through play.  Next time your kids are playing on the trampoline or building with their LEGO DUPLO you can come alongside and coach them. 

• "Opps it was Jaspers turn. I know you are excited for your turn, but he was all set for his go."
• "This is tricky. Can we find a way to work this out that is fair for both of you?"
• "Ahh you both want the Monkey, and we only have one. I wonder how we can work this out?"

This increases their ability to problem solve, without keeping you in the middle. 

3. Teach Repair, Not Just ‘I’m Sorry’

Forcing kids to say sorry backs them into a corner. What works better and is more likely to work is to encourage kids to think about how they can repair a relationship after a fight:

• “Tommy is crying, let’s check in and see if he is ok”
• "What can you do to make your sister feel better?"

This helps them understand that relationships require effort beyond just saying "sorry."

4. Acknowledge Individual Needs

Some sibling fights stem from deeper issues—one child feels unheard, another needs more personal space. Most sibling fights are triggered by an underlying need for connection with parents, or a sense of a lack of justice. Instead of just addressing the fight, look for the root cause:

• "It’s really hard being a big brother isn’t it? Sometimes you just want to play with your cars and your sister doesn’t know how to do it the way you do. It’s ok to find that annoying. Maybe we can set you up at the table where she can’t reach so you can play with them on your own?”

Shifting Our Mindset: From ‘Make It Stop’ to ‘Make It Useful’

Fighting between siblings isn’t something we need to fear or eliminate—it’s something we can guide. With our help, these daily squabbles become steppingstones toward empathy, negotiation, and resilience.

So next time you hear, "Mummmmmmmm, he took my toy!" take a deep breath. This isn’t just another battle—it’s a lesson in the making. And that’s a gift that will last a lifetime as long as you can survive the noise!