Separation Anxiety - When a good ‘goodbye’ is just too hard

Separation is tough for kids.

As a mum to four boys I have had my fair share of tricky farewells and I am no stranger to bursting into tears in the carpark after yet another awful drop off.

When my youngest son started kindy, he was struggling with drop off. He would start to delay or struggle from the minute he woke, cling to the inside of our van and beg for a day off, he would cry at the gate in front of EVERYONE.

We talked about how saying bye to mum was hard and we workshopped what might help.

He came up with an idea that brining his beloved ‘Sonic toy’ with him to the gate would help. He wanted me to mind it for him and then bring it back at pick up. We went to the gate with Sonic for two weeks before my son stopped asking for him and was able to go into school without anything. He’s never looked back.

While this may seem ‘too simple’ the reason this worked is well documented. My son’s behaviour of struggling to separate as he adjusted to kindy and needing a transitional object to help is actually rooted in attachment. For our kids, we are their safe base. When kids need to separate from us it requires them to find security in a new environment. That’s a huge ask.  

A tearful goodbye is not an indication that our child doesn’t like pre-school or school. In fact, many kids who struggle the most at drop off are the kids who have a ball all day. It’s the parents who spend the morning worried out of their minds before hearing from a teacher they settled down right away.

It’s tricky for parents because we only see one side of the farewell process, we see the expression of emotion, but we don’t get to see the recovery as our child settles and adjusts into their day.

A lot of helping kids to have a better drop off lies in the way we talk to them about this in the lead up to it, and how we manage the actual farewell.

Here are five ideas to help with big feelings around separation:

1. Check in with how you are feeling

It’s important to ask yourself are you feeling about separating from your child?

Often, we focus on our child’s anxiety, and we haven’t stopped to check in with how we are feeling. Maybe you are anxious because of a previous bad experience, or sad because your child is growing up. These feelings make sense but it’s important to be aware of what we are bringing to the table.

When we are struggling with separation or struggling because our child is struggling with separation - our child picks up on this and it can add to their feelings that maybe something about separating isn’t safe.

A way to keep our own emotions from impacting our kid is to acknowledge them… ‘yep I am feeling worried about drop off. That makes sense as it was so hard last time and it’s hard to see my child upset.’

From there you can remind yourself of the facts: “even though she cried so much at drop off, she did settle within 5 minutes and went on to have a great day. I know she is safe, and loves playing with her friends.

2. Talk about the feelings

Sometimes we avoid bringing up the upcoming separation because we don’t want to make it worse. Talking to your child about the emotions they find hard when separating is one of the best ways to help them. It gives them a chance to feel these emotions outside of the pressure of the moment. It’s like a practice run that can make the feelings a bit less intense at the gate.

Many kids benefit from visual reminders of what’s coming. A whiteboard with your child’s week down out visually is incredibly helpful for little kids. For bigger kids a list can work just as well. When kids can see what’s coming in advance, we give their brains a chance to prepare emotionally. It also gives our kids a chance to get some of the feelings out. They may say “I don’t WANT to go to kindy” … this is our chance to really validate those feelings by saying “I hear you, you don’t want to go to kindy. Saying bye to mummy is hard, isn’t it? I wonder what we can do to stay connected while we are apart?” We might suggest some ideas to stay connected like our child talking an object of ours to feel close.

If your child really struggles with separation, you might bring it up day before. Remind them it’s a pre-school day tomorrow and show them the plan on their whiteboard or calendar.  You might lay our clothes or uniform for the next day too and pre pack lunches.

This preparation process gives your child the chance to practise what is coming in a safe and non-pressured space. The brain gets to prepare for the process ahead and often this really helps.

3. Connection matters

Our kids go so much better when they feel connected with us.

Donald Winnicott introduced the idea that children create children create a mental representation of the parent-child relationship so they can access the feelings of the relationship even when separated from their parent. This connection is like ‘an invisible string’ that gives our kids just enough of us to feel ok when apart.

Many kids benefit from a connection ritual. This might be a special hug and handshake at the gate, them keeping an object of yours on them or in their pocket to feel close to you or drawing a heart on your child’s hand and one on yours as a ‘connection button’ they can press this while apart to feel connected.

Other kids like a transition object. This might be a special toy or comforter. Or something special that belongs to their parents. Just like my son and is Sonic, something that gives them just enough of home and feeling safe to get through the door.

On the morning before school or pre-school, mini moments of connection also help fill our kid’s emotional cup. Kids feel loved and safe when they feel connected with is. The best way to do this is just stop and notice them: ‘Wow you have built the biggest LEGO DUPLO tower this morning, it nearly hit the roof!’ Or maybe just notice they are just having a hard time getting dressed and give them a hand and a big hug. These small moments of connection make a big difference.

4. Set the tone

A vital part of separation if our ability to believe in our child. In moments of separation our kids are almost asking us “Am I safe here? Do you think I can do this?” If we are feeling our own anxiety about our kids’ big feelings, this can make things harder for our kids. They see our fear or sadness and can interpret this as our view that they are not safe, that we don’t believe in them or that they will not be ok.

When it’s time to go, get in low and close tell your child what’s happening. You need to believe you have everything you need to be the confident leader in this situation.

If your child looks like they are going to struggle you might say: ‘I know, it’s really hard to go to school some days, but you’ve got this. Want me to carry your bag or do you want to?” or I know, it’s really hard to say bye but you are safe here with Mrs Jones. I am placing your hand in her hand and I can’t wait to see you at pick up.”

Your confident momentum matters. 

5. Believe in your child

Most parents can relate to that feeling of bursting into tears after a horrible drop-off. It’s never easy, even when we find out from the teacher that they settled ‘right away’.

What I’ve come to realise is that my child having a hard time at drop-off is normal and natural, and it’s okay for them to cry and show emotions about separating. It’s a beautiful sign of attachment when our kids don’t want to separate – we are their safe base. This can be so hard to remember in the moment though, and sometimes we get so caught up in the struggle that we join in their fears and doubts.

A child struggling to go off to day care, preschool or school happily, really is doing their absolute best and this too will pass. Part of believing in them is walking away and saying goodbye when the time is right with complete confidence.

It’s this belief in them that children really pick up on. A little person feeling such huge feelings as they separate from their parent can sense our confidence and, somehow, among their own feelings of doubt, this helps them to know that you (the centre of their world) know it will all be okay.

 And, it will be okay. I promise you.

Connected Parenting founder Gen Muir is a parent educator, author, obstetric social worker and mother of four boys. She is passionate about helping families to connect and thrive amid the many challenges of modern parenting.

Gen has a Bachelor of Social Work (BSW) from UNSW and a Graduate Diploma in Grief and Bereavement Counselling. She is also a qualified Circle of Security and Tuning into Kids facilitator.

 Her recent book, Big People, Little Feelings (2024), and her co-hosted podcast, Beyond the Chaos, provide valuable resources for those working with or raising children. 

 Gen has appeared on Sunrise, The Today Show, The Morning Show, The Project, 2Day FM and ABC and is a spokesperson for LEGO DUPLO.