To the parents of the biter… I promise it’s going to be ok.

My eldest was a biter…. Among other things.

He was also a hitter, a pusher, and a snatcher.

I once got a call from his small preschool that he’d pushed 15 small children over.

My son was two. His lovely teacher Emily had announced to the class there was a ‘real rabbit’ for them all to look at to celebrate Easter at the front of the room. My son was so excited he tore his way to the front of the class, pushing past everyone and 15 children were left crying in his wake. The teacher said, ‘she’d never seen anything like it’.

Unfortunately this wasn't a stand alone incident. My son tended to struggle to share in the sandpit at preschool, and also at home playing with his cousin. Hitting, pushing and biting were happening more often than I felt i'd been warned about in the baby books. 

It never feels good when your child is hurt by another child, but it feels just as awful when you are the parent of the child who has hurt someone. I felt awful. I felt extremely worried he was destined for a life behind bars. That maybe I had gotten something very wrong in raising him, or worse that there might be something wrong with him.

I now know neither of these things were true. My son was an enthusiastic, big hearted, deep feeling, loud and socially wired kid. As Maggie Dent taught me “a Rooster”. The kind of kid that will be a joy to raise and make you feel like a great parent…. ONE DAY.

I now know that biting is much more common than I realised, and the answers lie in understanding the ‘why’ behind the behaviour before we support kids with making a different choice in the moment.

Key things you need to know about biting, hitting, pushing:

• All behaviour is communication. EVEN biting, hitting and pushing.

• Aggression in toddlers and some pre-schoolers is normal and your child is NOT destined for a life behind bars.

• No child "wants" to hurt or bite. They are most likely in an unregulated state and need OUR help to stop.

• It never feels good to get it wrong. Getting it wrong and disappointing you is NEVER their first choice.

My son needed some help to learn to communicate without chomping. He needed my help socially for a while, and the help of a lovely OT to learn to navigate some of these social situations. He also needed time. Eventually with speech and language, and a more settled system, he worked it out.

But he certainly wasn’t going to learn through time outs, reward charts, shame or blame. We tried these things, and they didn't help. I now know they didn’t work because these things assume one incorrect fact:

That my son was choosing to hit or bite. 

What I now know is he desperately wanted to be a good kid, the issue was that in the pressure of the moment he didn’t have the ability to regulate his emotions and choose another option other than violence. It was never a choice to hit por bite, it was a last resort under pressure.

I’ve now raised four boys through the toddler stage, and I work in supporting thousands of parents who are amid similar struggles to the ones I had with my eldest.

I like parents to look at behaviour with curiosity. We need to look at the potential reasons for the behaviours so we can best support our kids.

Hitting, biting and hurting can happen for a variety of reasons and it can be helpful to look at what the underlying cause is for your child....

• Is it sensory seeking? (It feels GOOD to chomp down on things) and many kids, especially young kids will bite because they are teething, or sensory seeking.
• Is it from an emotional regulation root? A child who is still learning to share and manage big feelings and sometimes they just 'lose it.’ The hit or bite happens because the feelings get way to big to manage.
• Has your child been pushed, hit or bitten? What happened and did they learn that might be one way of communicating?

We can also look at when the biting or hitting happens:

• Does the biting or hitting happen at day-care more and if so when?
• Or is it happening at home only and its related to sibling rivalry?
• Is it something that happens in social situations where there is a lot of sensory input like parties?
• Does it happen when your child is tired, hungry, or sick?

 The solutions often lie in the answers to the above. The underlying feelings hold the answers.

Where does the behaviour happen?

Many parents find that biting happens only at childcare. This is tricky as we are not there to help our kids in the moment. In this scenario we’d want to work with the centre to ascertain when the behaviour is happening. If it’s in ‘free play’ time does our child need more support?

When kids do hit us, the dog, siblings or friends we have a fantastic opportunity to help them to find new ways to meet their sensory needs or choose another way to communicate. The best way to do this is to let our kids know we know they are good, and we are on their team.

No child goes better when we think they are naughty, when we punish. Especially when it comes to behaviours that stem from dysregulation.

Here my top tips to help your child who is hitting, pushing or biting:

1. Pre-game coaching session. Before friends come, before the events your child struggles with, let them know they can come to you if they struggle. That you will help them. I like kids to know they can squeeze mum or dad’s hand if they need help.
2. Be a hit detective. When kids are in this phase, we need to help them out. Watch for signs of struggle and dysregulation so you are ready to step in and stop the hit where possible or get in before it and give your child a chance to cool off with you.
3. Clear language - including body language. I find the words "I won't let you (hit/bite/push)" the most helpful because they remind parents that it's our job to stop a child from hurting. These words are clearer for toddlers than "gentle hands" and let our child know we are in charge. This increases safety.
4. Empathy - is how we help a child start to understand the underlying feelings that lead to the behaviour. Once they understand the feeling that led to the hit, they are more able to choose an alternative. “I know it’s hard to share, I can’t help you hit your friend and I’ll stay with you until you are able to go back without hurting”.
5. Post-game coaching - Once everyone is safe, and your child feels calm you can talk though what happened. "You got so excited playing the game and then you hit… I wonder what you could do different next time this happens?”

While hitting, biting and pushing are normal behaviours in toddlers - If the amount of hitting, biting or pushing ever feels 'too much', or is causing bigger problems for your child or your family - this is a good point to ask for extra help. A one on one with a parent educator, a chat with your GP or a fantastic OT are all good places to start.

My biter is now 15.

Days of humiliating calls from childcare are long behind us, and requests for good snack food or text message requests for “more screen time” are where we are at.

I promise the same will be said for your child one day too. Hang in there... hitting, biting and pushing  in toddlers is a tough stage but with a calm confident leadership our kids do learn other ways to communicate.