Social Struggles – what to do when your child is being left out, hit or pushed
Most parents really struggle with the idea of their kids struggling socially because we all relate to that feeling of being left out.
When your child comes home and says they are sad about the fact that no-one played with them today. As parents this can be one of the most triggering things to hear, bringing up feelings of being left out we can quickly and easily go to wanting to fix or solve it pronto.
Common responses might sound like:
- “Tell me their names! I am calling your teacher immediately and we are going to tell all of their parents”; or
- “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice, if you don’t share and work to get along these kids will leave you out!”
- “You’re fine, just play with someone else when that happens.”
- “Just tell them “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me”
We kind of know neither of these reactions are what our kids need, but sometimes they just pop out.
Deep down, we know what our kids need, they need the same thing we all need when we have a hard time. To be heard.
So how do we really ‘see and hear’ our kids in these moments?
1. Take a beat
The first thing we need to do is incorporate a pause. Your child says “no one played with me you take a deep breath and pause for just a second before you say anything.
2. Repeat back what you hear without reacting
From there we can narrate back what we hear. This allows us more time to keep our reactions in check, and also means we remain curious instead of reactive. You might say ‘ so you and Billy were in the sandpit and then he pushed you over?”
3. Show empathy
That sounds really tough. I wouldn’t like to get pushed over either. I can see you’ve had a really hard day”…. You may pause and give your child a moment to process that you hear them.
Brene Brown calls this “sitting in the dark” with your child. The instinct as a parent is to ‘turn on the lights’ and make things better. When we turn on the lights we are moving to take action, to teach or give advice. It feels uncomfortable to sit in the dark with our child and just let the feelings be…. And yet it’s the kindest thing we could do for our kids.
Sometimes we can let our child we know what it’s like to have that feeling by adding something like “sometimes I feel left out too” or “I remember being left out at about your are and it made me feel lonely and sad….. is that similar for you?”
But how to we help ensure they manage the situation if it happens again?
The best time to emotion coach isn’t ‘in the moment’ it’s actually later, once everyone is calm and connected. We can talk again to our child about what happened and explore what they might do if it happened again.
I love using the word ‘wonder’ when coaching because it’s less confrontational and it opens us and our child up to being more creative with the answers. It may sound like this:
“Feeling left out is really tough, have thought about what you might do if it happened again tomorrow? I wonder if you have ideas about what you could do?”
What I love about this is that often the best answers and solutions come from our kids, they might already know another friend to play with, a teacher they could tell, or have another plan in mind.
This dialogue and coaching also opens up our relationship. It is an incredible way to feel more connected and on the team with your child, tackling one of life’s many problems on a team with them, viewing this social setback as an opportunity to work on positive social skills, and learn to set boundaries.
Of course, sometimes kids will need us to step in and offer more than emotion coaching. They may need us to help them by:
- Talking to their teacher or the school
- Facilitating some support for then the issue is happening
- Advocating for them when they can't
But this always goes better when we stop and listen first.
Because you’ve been able to really listen to your child first, your child is more likely to also accept your help if needed or the problem is beyond them and here is the kicker, the evidence shows that kids who are emotion coached in this way are more likely to come to us with their problems as they hit the tricky teenage years, and for me this is one huge incentive.
