Having a tough time with your kids? Consider 10 minutes of play.

What if I told you that one of the best ways to have your child feeling seen, safe and loved AND to re-set a day with your child lies in one-on-one play?

What if I added that this doesn’t need it add to your mental load, it doesn’t need to take all day and actually that 10 minutes is enough to fill your child emotional cup, help them regulate emotions and learn about their world?

One of the things that defines human development is the slow rate of emotional maturity in our kids. Our children will be 25-28 years of age before our children are fully emotionally developed. This can feel a long way off when you are at home with a toddler or pre-schooler who is having a lot of big feelings.

One of the challenges for the modern parent is there are periods of time when our kids seem to be seeking us out more than others. Especially though early childhood when toddlers and pre-schoolers seem to be ‘acting out’ struggling with transitions (hello bath time struggles??)

While its normal and healthy for young kids to be testing limits, or struggling with social skills and behaviours like learning to share, it can be hard for parents when behaviour feels intense and emotional maturity feels a LONG way off.

Many parents will see this in periods of intense change like after the birth of a second baby, a change in childcare centres or even after a house move.

While our children process change, they are dependent on their big people to ensure they feel safe and loved, this helps them process change and make sense of their world.

When our children feel seen, safe and loved – all is right with their world. When kids feel connected with us things simply go better.

 Why is play so important in all of this?

Play is considered to be the ‘work of childhood’. The reason for this is that play is the way that our kids make sense of their world, and their emotions. It’s how they learn. In fact, according to research by Dr Karyn Purvis, scientists have discovered that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain, unless it is done in play, in which case it only takes 10 to 20 repetitions.

Whether it be imaginative games, building a cubby or outdoor play, a child is always learning. For learning to occur in play, it should be done in a low-pressure/uncontrolled environment (so organised sports don’t count), and it should be meaningful for the child. It is important to foster the development of skills in play to help children reach their full potential.

One of the best ways for a parent to get play happening in a practical sense is get down on the floor and join our kids in what they love.

Something like LEGO is ideal because it is open ended and allows our children’s imaginations to take flight.  If a toy is too ‘prescriptive’ we lose some of the benefit so it is important that the play can be child lead, imaginative, and creative.

What’s a parent’s role in play?

If play is how our kids are learning, and working on emotions… imagine how powerful play can be when their parents join in? The interactions that occur through play tell children that parents are fully paying attention to them and help to build enduring relationships.

It is though this open ended play that have the opportunity to glimpse into their children’s world.

Less verbal children, or children who are neuro diverse may be able to express their views, experiences, and even frustrations through play.

A child struggling with day-care drop off may ‘play this out’ with a parent, and in that safe environment get the chance to process these big emotions. 

You may find your toddler adjusting to a new baby is able to talk out some feelings of jealousy though the play theme.

It is simply us being nearby to see these feelings and naming some of these emotions that our child feel loved and safe though change.

Research has shown that that the joy, shared communication and connection that happens when parents and children play together actually lowers cortisol and regulates the body’s stress response for the child.

Even when our children are not adjusting to big change, they are always the building resilience and emotional skills they need for life. The seemingly insignificant moment when your child’s block tower falls over is an opportunity to help them build emotional skills by sitting with them in the struggle, letting them know it’s ok to feel frustrated and sad and then watching as they show resilience in trying again and again.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has found that the benefits of one-on-one play with a parent include social-emotional skills, cognitive and language skills, and self-regulation skills.

So how do we make play count for kids?

 By making it special.

 By making it one on one.

 By joining them in their world, even if only for 10 minutes.

The concept of ‘special time’ in parenting isn’t new. Special time is a really concentrated an effective way to make our kids feel really secure in our love for them. We don't need to do special time every day but if we can set aside 10 minutes of really concentrated time every now and the, where our child gets to choose what we do it can be a really great way to communicate love.

Here is how it’s done

• One on one: Special time is one on one, no distractions – no phone, no baby, no folding washing or tidying up. We must commit to the moment!
• Anticipate it: Much like a holiday, the sacred of special time lies in the anticipation of and reminiscing about it after the fact. The most powerful aspect of special time is actually in the looking forward to it in advance, telling your child how “I can't wait for some special time today after we put the baby down to bed, should we play with the kitchen toys or do some colouring in?” …..And then it is about telling them that “my favourite part of today was watching the garbage truck come with you. I just love having special time with you.”
• Follow their lead: It’s important that you are joining your child in their world. Letting them lead the play and going along for the ride. Think of play like a game of tennis. We need to wait for our child to serve before we return the serve. Turn taking is important rather than running the show.

You don't need to do special time every day. Sometimes it's about spot spotting and aid in your child and carving out the space to commit to 10 minutes of really focused time in order to fill their emotional cup.

 Special time can be:

• Enjoying something with your child that they love, like watching the garbage truck come together then playing out a theme around collecting the garbage with their toys.
• Playing for ten minutes side by side in an activity of your child’s choosing – blocks, dolls, trains, indoor or outdoor play.

 If play is your child’s world and how the best learn, and YOU are their safe base, the sun and moon of which they orbit around….

 ….Just imagine when we combine the two and our child gets to have all of us, even for just 10 minutes completely immersed into their world?

While it’s not practical to completely immerse ourselves in our child’s world 24/7, when we do this every now and then through play its like time just stops for us and our child. We are truly connected.

The result is our child feels delightful, and when kids feel delightful, they go well. It’s like we are saying for just 10 minutes let me join you in your universe because you are quite simply the most important thing in my universe in this moment.