Don’t steal their struggle - Building frustration tolerance in kids through play

The photo below was taken of my kids 8 years ago.  

A moment that will be etched in my brain forever because of both the beautiful magic of it....and the horrible chaotic-ness of it all in one.

It’s etched in my brain because I was finally out of the trenches of having my fourth baby. He’s pictured here at bottom of shot finally at that beautiful age where he could start to join in, and life was getting a bit less hectic.

But this moment was really special for me because it was the first time all four of my boys were playing nicely together.

IT WAS PURE MAGIC.

They’d been playing with their LEGO DUPLO for about 45 mins in absolute harmony. Anyone who is a parent knows these are the moments we almost don’t want to breathe because they seem too good to be true. My boys were building a tall tower together…… TOGETHER!

There was teamwork, creativity, innovation, special skills, negotiation skills all happening at once. These moments in parenting are the ones we grab the phone and capture because they make our hearts sing. Hence, I took this photo to share with my hubby.

Of course, you can predict what happened next…..

Yep, the tower came crashing down.

Everyone was crying.

Everyone was fighting about whose fault it was.

No one was willing to help me pack up the toys.

These are the moments we think “well that didn’t go well” at best or “what an unmitigated disaster “at worst and we can be tempted to even think we might avoid that situation, that game or that toy because of the emotions, noise, and struggle that it evoked.

However, it’s the hard, messy and uncomfortable moments that we have the biggest opportunity to help our kids build tolerance for frustration and struggle.

The chance to build resilience all lies in making a small change to how we respond.

We know that play is amazing at building creativity, language, fine and gross motor skills. That’s all the good stuff that we love. But what is less known, is that it is in the moments when things go wrong in play: when kids struggle to share, when they can’t quite manage a skill, when the tower comes crashing down that we have the most incredible opportunity to help kids experience tricky emotions and with our support this helps build EQ skills that assist them hugely as they grow.

The problem is, we struggle with these moments. We struggle when our kids struggle because we feel responsible for fixing the struggle. Because we love our kids and it’s hard when they are unhappy. However, it’s this urge to step in and fix that we must learn to curb, because stealing the struggle robs our kids of so much more than a few tears. It robs them of the opportunity to build resilience.

Going back to my boys I remember how devastated I was that a magic moment had been ‘ruined’. I was so tempted to rebuild that tower, so no-one needed to be upset. I wanted to tell them to stop crying, it was only a tower. I was frustrated that magic had become mayhem.

However, it’s in these moments that our kids can benefit the most from us taking a pause before to step in. This pause is so powerful, because we get to remind ourselves that although the struggle is hard, it's worth leaning into, not out of. 

What our kids need most is for us to let them know we get it: Of course, they are upset, we would be too if we’d worked so hard on something and it came crashing down! It’s important though, that we are not too quick to jump in with solutions, distractions or life lessons. Because when we do we take away from their chance to feel their struggle. The magic is in the feelings. 

When we validate the struggle without fixing or solving our kids feel seen and heard. We also name the emotions which helps to ‘tame’ them and allows kids to feel more comfortable in the place of struggle. A good skill for life.

The thing about frustration tolerance or resilience is that it isn’t something we can teach our kids. It’s something they need to experience, and the best time to do this is in the first five years at home while playing.

The opportunities lie in all the tricky play moments:

• Coaching siblings who both want the same toy through the struggle they have as they learn to wait and take turns.
• Narrating out load that we can see how hard a child is trying to physically do something tricky.
• Letting our kids know we can see they are so upset their tower fell, we know it meant a lot to them and that we’d be disappointed if that happened to us too.

The key element in all these scenarios is that we are witnessing the struggle and offering empathy, but not intervening in it.

We are not fixing or solving.

We are not telling kids not to be upset.

We are allowing the struggle.

While that sounds harsh, and it never feels easy. It’s the gift that all of our kids need. Especially in a modern world that is safer and smoother than ever.

Every time our kids get the chance to experience struggle and are safe to express that with us they are actively building the frustration tolerance. Building this tolerance for struggle and frustration means that as they grow and the struggles grow with them, being left out at school, missing out on being picked for a team, or eventually teenage heartbreak… they will be that bit more resilient and able to manage the emotions this evokes within them.

As I look back on that moment now 8 years on, I am so glad my boys experienced the magic of teamwork, but I am also so glad they got to experience the frustration and struggle of things not working out.

I remember us all sitting there. Hugs in the chaos, and while it was hard and messy it felt authentic and real. I still think of those moments from early years these days when my boys face bigger disappointments around team placements and exam results. Grateful we took opportunities to practice struggle then, and continuing to be grateful for the ongoing opportunities to feel challenging feelings now as life delivers them.

And you’d be correct in assuming that after everyone was fed and watered and tucked into bed that night it was me that packed up that LEGO alone… because we can’t fight all the battles all the time, can we?

If you'd like help with building EQ though play please join me for a FREE workshop in conjunction with Playgroup NSW and LEGO DUPLO next Wednesday the 20th. Link below to join. 

https://events.humanitix.com/managing-big-feelings-and-tricky-behaviour-with-gen-muir-hosted-by-playgroup-nsw-and-lego-duplo/tickets